So I can't sleep. I'm trying to adjust my sleep schedule so that I'm not sleeping during the day when we are up north. Wish it was easier!
I'm going to broach a topic now that I need to deal with. My marriage sucked balls. Of course it didn't in the beginning and I loved that man deeply. As a matter of fact, I still love him. I don't think I'll ever be free of him in that sense. We could have been so good together. We truly could have had it all.
In the beginning, I never realized how much he drank. Call me naive, call me whatever you want, but I never understood. It took me over a year to realize that he was going to the bar almost every day after work and having a few beers with the guys before coming home and drinking a few more. Almost exactly a year into our relationship, he went to a strip club with the guys and gave me a detailed account of it. I was extremely jealous. I felt like something was wrong with me, that I wasn't good enough. He was so drunk that night. He couldn't understand why I was upset and he finally promised to never go again. Que in the lies after that for when he did go. I knew when he went as he smelled like the strippers, the cheap perfume and lotion. He thought I didn't know. It would send me into depression and just breeded more hate.
We went on to have 2 kids and had 2 teens at home as well. I know I wasn't perfect and I did a lot wrong too, but I was overwhelmed with 4 kids at home. I went back to working full-time when my youngest was 6 months. Granted I worked from home, but I worked every chance I could as his industry took a tumble. I felt no self worth. I did everything for everyone else. My needs were always last.
My EX is a flirt, flirts with all women. Except for me. For years I dealt with the neighbor woman coming over flirting with him. She was single with 2 kids. He treated her son better than his stepson. Her son turned around and shit on him years later, but the damage was done. But she would openly flirt with him, ask him to do things when I couldn't get him to do a damn thing to help me. She would see him out in the pole barn and go out there and bring him beer to help her. This went on for years. I hated her. I hated him. She had lost a bunch of weight due to surgery and I felt so fat and ugly. She finally met someone and got married, had 2 more kids. She didn't talk to the EX for quite a bit. I think her husband put an end to that. But then, she started bringing the babies around. She would take videos of her youngest son talking about "Named EX" and think it was funny. I don't think her husband found it funny. I kept telling the EX this was not normal behavior. Her kids would stand across the road and yell his name. She finally came knocking at my door one day. She apologized for her past behavior. Said she should have come to me and talked to me before ever approaching my husband. You think? But I fell for this, she was nothing but a demon in disguise. I think she finally realized he wouldn't ever commit to his flirting with her and make something of it, so why not friend the wife. She married a man that was quite ill, actually had 2 kidney transplants by that time. She and I actually became friends, but I didn't realize it was a game. I ended up confiding in her how unhappy I was, this was after a year of her friendship. Big mistake. She would confide in me about the issues she had with her husband. For his 40th birthday party, I held a surprise at a bar. We had quite a few friends there to celebrate, one being this neighbor.
I ran into her a few weeks later at the pharmacy with DS3. DS3 went off to look at toys and she proceeded to tell me how I needed to leave my husband because he had dry humped her backside in the bar and that he wasn't drunk at that time. I knew she was lying. The way that she talked, her mannerisms, everything. My radar was going off big time. Do I think now that it could have happened? Yes it could have. But to this day I believe she was lying. I'm more pissed that he involved us with a sociopath that could do something like this. At that point, I forbade my boys from ever going over there or talking with her kids, etc. I felt like she was trying to set him up. I think all out of the name of jealousy, that she wouldn't have her way. I do believe she wanted my husband. He was a good man, good father to his own, and to others that were not his stepchildren.
Let's go back to my cousin's wedding, New Years Eve approx 12 years ago. My mom watched the kids for us and DS2 was pretty sick. We were at a hotel about an hour and a half away. EX and I got into it, for starters, he wouldn't dance with me but then turned around and danced with my sister. He had never once in our marriage danced with me, no matter the pleading I did. But yet he danced with her. Then my mom called, said DS2 was getting sicker and probably needed to go to the ER. EX, of all people, said she was playing a game and trying to get us away from my dad. This man who protected his boys tooth and nail, did not give a shit. I wanted to leave and take care of my son but he wanted to stay. I had enough at that point, everyone was drunk and giving me a hard time. I went up to my room. He finally came in hours later and slept in the other bed. I decided at that point to pack my bags and slid a note under my dad's door to make sure someone gave EX a ride home. I went to my mom's and took my son into the ER. He had severe bronchitis.
Six months later, I find out from my stepmom that New Years night after I had gone upstairs, my sister and her had found my EX in the bar flirting with another woman. My sister walked up to him and brought up to the other woman that he was married and apparently she didn't know that and left in a huff because she was pissed at him. He did admit that he knew he was flirting but that it didn't mean anything. BULLSHIT. The other woman leaving abruptly tells me all I need to know, he was full on flirting away trying to get a piece of ass.
These are just 2 examples of what drove me crazy for years. He will never comprehend any of this. I did try to explain to him numerous times when we were trying to reconcile, not to blame him for the downfall of our marriage, but to try and explain why it drove an even further wedge between us. There are several, probably another 3 or 4 just like the above that I know about. What about the ones that I don't know about?
All I ever wanted was his attention, to love me for who I was. Who was I? I was a broken down little girl that only ever was looking for love. I didn't grow up with a lot of love and neither did he. I really thought the two of us would have some understanding of that. I needed help, I never felt adequate for him, never felt like he truly loved me until we tried reconciling. That is another story in itself. I think I've written enough for tonight. Maybe I can cry myself to sleep now.
Monday, August 20, 2018
On vacation, but haven't left yet. I did get the apartment cleaned, but have to do it again before we leave.
I had a talk with DS2 today. I asked him if he was going to go camping with us, but looks like he won't. Then he laid into me about DS3. He wanted to know when DS3 was going to pay him for the work he did on the vehicle. I told him that was between him and his brother, but of course it didn't end there. I had told DS3 that he needed to see his father today as he hadn't seen him in a while. He had talked to his dad last week and his dad said he would not be back in town until Monday, so I told DS3 that after work on Monday, he needed to go to the house and see him since we were leaving on Wednesday. Apparently some conversation took place, from him telling DS3 to make it right with his brother, his telling DS3 that DS2 did not sabotage his vehicle, to me sending EX and the boys on vacation 2 years ago so that I could have an affair.
So let's clarify some of this, DS2 told me on the phone that he did cut the wiring harness on the vehicle in several spots and that EX told him he needed to fix it, which he said he did. Guess what DS3 had to pay a mechanic to fix? The wiring harness at $180. Sending them on vacation? We didn't have the money, but EX kept harping how he could probably not ever be able to go again due to his physical deterioration. I told him if he could do it for I think $300, then they could go. I believe they went for 5 days. I had EX's father still at the house who is nosy as all get out, not to mention I was the one working and had to work while they were gone. I didn't have time to have an affair! Someone had to make money! DS3 understands and believes me on that issue. He is quite familiar with how his father works.
But through it all, I told DS3 that DS2 still needed to be paid. He needs to pay him the $100 for working on his vehicle and I will pay the $150 that DS2 chipped in on DS3's vehicle. I do not understand still why DS2 chipped in on DS3's vehicle, but DS3 said that his dad was hurting for money and he wanted to help his brother get it. I will not let his dad take advantage of him so I will pay him back. His dad is getting the same amount he was when both boys were on his disability. We thought it was going to reduce by the one being 18, but it didn't, they raised it for the youngest. So he is getting $2750 a month in disability. He makes more than I do! And I'm supporting the youngest without his help. He told DS3 that he would start giving him some of the money, but hasn't seen a cent yet.
EX is trying to get DS3 to move some of his things back into the house as he believes that is why he moved it out, that I told him to so that I could file for his social security disability money, but that is far from the truth. I have not made any move to do so and have no intentions of doing so. The money is not worth having him bad talk me. As far as I am concerned, he can have it.
DS3 also told me that it looks like DS2's vehicle will not last a month either, it needs the front end worked on just like mine. Wonderful. DS3 also said that DS2 was to get the white truck from his dad when the disability gets reapproved, but that was never brought up to DS2 either. He thought he was getting stuck with the POS until DS2 could afford something better. So much for communication at any level.
I did tell DS2 that we all need to sit down and talk about this but I doubt that will happen. I'm just going to keep trying to salvage the relationship between the boys and myself and DS2.
I had a talk with DS2 today. I asked him if he was going to go camping with us, but looks like he won't. Then he laid into me about DS3. He wanted to know when DS3 was going to pay him for the work he did on the vehicle. I told him that was between him and his brother, but of course it didn't end there. I had told DS3 that he needed to see his father today as he hadn't seen him in a while. He had talked to his dad last week and his dad said he would not be back in town until Monday, so I told DS3 that after work on Monday, he needed to go to the house and see him since we were leaving on Wednesday. Apparently some conversation took place, from him telling DS3 to make it right with his brother, his telling DS3 that DS2 did not sabotage his vehicle, to me sending EX and the boys on vacation 2 years ago so that I could have an affair.
So let's clarify some of this, DS2 told me on the phone that he did cut the wiring harness on the vehicle in several spots and that EX told him he needed to fix it, which he said he did. Guess what DS3 had to pay a mechanic to fix? The wiring harness at $180. Sending them on vacation? We didn't have the money, but EX kept harping how he could probably not ever be able to go again due to his physical deterioration. I told him if he could do it for I think $300, then they could go. I believe they went for 5 days. I had EX's father still at the house who is nosy as all get out, not to mention I was the one working and had to work while they were gone. I didn't have time to have an affair! Someone had to make money! DS3 understands and believes me on that issue. He is quite familiar with how his father works.
But through it all, I told DS3 that DS2 still needed to be paid. He needs to pay him the $100 for working on his vehicle and I will pay the $150 that DS2 chipped in on DS3's vehicle. I do not understand still why DS2 chipped in on DS3's vehicle, but DS3 said that his dad was hurting for money and he wanted to help his brother get it. I will not let his dad take advantage of him so I will pay him back. His dad is getting the same amount he was when both boys were on his disability. We thought it was going to reduce by the one being 18, but it didn't, they raised it for the youngest. So he is getting $2750 a month in disability. He makes more than I do! And I'm supporting the youngest without his help. He told DS3 that he would start giving him some of the money, but hasn't seen a cent yet.
EX is trying to get DS3 to move some of his things back into the house as he believes that is why he moved it out, that I told him to so that I could file for his social security disability money, but that is far from the truth. I have not made any move to do so and have no intentions of doing so. The money is not worth having him bad talk me. As far as I am concerned, he can have it.
DS3 also told me that it looks like DS2's vehicle will not last a month either, it needs the front end worked on just like mine. Wonderful. DS3 also said that DS2 was to get the white truck from his dad when the disability gets reapproved, but that was never brought up to DS2 either. He thought he was getting stuck with the POS until DS2 could afford something better. So much for communication at any level.
I did tell DS2 that we all need to sit down and talk about this but I doubt that will happen. I'm just going to keep trying to salvage the relationship between the boys and myself and DS2.
Saturday, August 18, 2018
Finally on vacation! We are not leaving until Wednesday, but at least I have a few days to get things purged, cleaned and packed. DS3's GF is coming on Tuesday to help me bake cookies, bread, and treats to take up north. Even with my small kitchen, the help will be greatly appreciated. I have a bridal shower to go to tomorrow and will be picking up the extra kayak tomorrow. I'm going to a friend's house today to detail the Mighty B since DS3 finally has his own vehicle, lol.
DS3 finished his last band camp yesterday. I've already made sure to put comp and personal time in for the games. I also submitted my OT before leaving on vacation for September. It worked out perfectly that the scheduler was able to post it before I left.
I was working on the diet, but fell off the past 2 days. I decided to print off a calendar for August and September, starting for when I get back from vacation, and take one day at a time. I'm going to develop a workout schedule and diet plan, then mark each day off as I accomplish things.
I did Sassy's shots myself, saved a lot of money and there was really nothing to it. I have to get her rabies done by someone though as it is a required shot. Then I can get her tags for the county.
With the sales going on, I was able to meal plan pretty cheap for the next 2 weeks. Chicken I got for $7 is good for at least 4 meals for 2, if not 5 or 6 meals. I made 3 meals of spaghetti for $4.
Things to accomplish before leaving Wednesday:
1. Detail Mighty B
2. Clean walk-in closet and organize
3. Clean out hallway closet for Sam
And I'm sure I'll be adding to the list....
DS3 finished his last band camp yesterday. I've already made sure to put comp and personal time in for the games. I also submitted my OT before leaving on vacation for September. It worked out perfectly that the scheduler was able to post it before I left.
I was working on the diet, but fell off the past 2 days. I decided to print off a calendar for August and September, starting for when I get back from vacation, and take one day at a time. I'm going to develop a workout schedule and diet plan, then mark each day off as I accomplish things.
I did Sassy's shots myself, saved a lot of money and there was really nothing to it. I have to get her rabies done by someone though as it is a required shot. Then I can get her tags for the county.
With the sales going on, I was able to meal plan pretty cheap for the next 2 weeks. Chicken I got for $7 is good for at least 4 meals for 2, if not 5 or 6 meals. I made 3 meals of spaghetti for $4.
Things to accomplish before leaving Wednesday:
1. Detail Mighty B
2. Clean walk-in closet and organize
3. Clean out hallway closet for Sam
And I'm sure I'll be adding to the list....
Saturday, August 11, 2018
Been a long two weeks. After DS3 got sick, DS2 got sick again and then of course, I got sick. I got the brunt of it of course, strep, scarlet fever and hand/foot/mouth disease. My hands and feet are still covered in blisters, but not as bad as it was. I am back to work today, so that is a good thing. My coworkers are still giving me the evil eye about my hands. This kind of gave me a wake up call to get my rear in gear some more to get on my health kick. I've been pretty good since this started, since I couldn't drink/eat anything but broth for a few days.
A few things happened while sick, first off the EX did some damage again to his relationship with DS3. DS3 went there after work one day to work on his vehicle and was going to spend the night, but when he got there, his whole room had been moved. The room he has had since birth. He totally understood his room was bigger than his brother's and he is hardly there (I am working on getting him over there more, but I don't know what more I can do), but he wasn't asked. A simple courtesy goes a long way. He has a few things that are precious to him including some Lego sets that were broken in half and other things broken off of them; things crammed into the closet like art work he has done over the years, just little things that meant a lot to him. He was crying he was so upset. Maybe he is over-reacting, but he feels like this isn't his home anymore, that he isn't welcome there. He explained this once before to his father when his room was used as storage and he couldn't get into it. Both of these have happened in a 2-month period. No wonder he doesn't want to stay there. His dad texted him and said he owed him one. This is after his brother sent threatening texts stating he was going to dismantle his vehicle so that he could never get it running again.
This prompted me to unblock the EX and call. He still thinks I am encouraging DS3 to not stay at the house and to not feel welcome there. This is none of my doing but the EX's doing and he needs to own up and put his big boy panties on. He thinks I am trying to go after DS3's social security money, which legally I can do but it isn't worth the next 9 months of hell I'd hear from him about it. I did tell him about DS3 going to counseling and he didn't sound surprised. I had told DS2's GF knowing it would get back to the EX. I wanted him to realize I was trying to help DS3 but of course he takes it a totally different way. We did end up talking nicely but of course, I always feel the need to answer his questions when I should be telling him it is none of his business. He asked if I was still on my depression meds and seeing my therapist. I told him I see my therapist when I can afford it and no, not on my meds. I have debated about going back on them, but to be honest, my problem was him. He isn't in my life for the most part creating the reason I needed to be on them to begin with. It ended with us agreeing to play nice, whatever that means.
DS3 just got his vehicle back today, another $190. It should be good to go for awhile. He has band camp this next week, so perfect timing. It cost another $150 in medical bills this past week, not to mention the few extras of Vernors, Popsicles, take out here and there. I am still planning on our little vacation, which has turned into 5 days now. DS3 knows it is going to be lots of hot dogs and PBJ's!
A few things happened while sick, first off the EX did some damage again to his relationship with DS3. DS3 went there after work one day to work on his vehicle and was going to spend the night, but when he got there, his whole room had been moved. The room he has had since birth. He totally understood his room was bigger than his brother's and he is hardly there (I am working on getting him over there more, but I don't know what more I can do), but he wasn't asked. A simple courtesy goes a long way. He has a few things that are precious to him including some Lego sets that were broken in half and other things broken off of them; things crammed into the closet like art work he has done over the years, just little things that meant a lot to him. He was crying he was so upset. Maybe he is over-reacting, but he feels like this isn't his home anymore, that he isn't welcome there. He explained this once before to his father when his room was used as storage and he couldn't get into it. Both of these have happened in a 2-month period. No wonder he doesn't want to stay there. His dad texted him and said he owed him one. This is after his brother sent threatening texts stating he was going to dismantle his vehicle so that he could never get it running again.
This prompted me to unblock the EX and call. He still thinks I am encouraging DS3 to not stay at the house and to not feel welcome there. This is none of my doing but the EX's doing and he needs to own up and put his big boy panties on. He thinks I am trying to go after DS3's social security money, which legally I can do but it isn't worth the next 9 months of hell I'd hear from him about it. I did tell him about DS3 going to counseling and he didn't sound surprised. I had told DS2's GF knowing it would get back to the EX. I wanted him to realize I was trying to help DS3 but of course he takes it a totally different way. We did end up talking nicely but of course, I always feel the need to answer his questions when I should be telling him it is none of his business. He asked if I was still on my depression meds and seeing my therapist. I told him I see my therapist when I can afford it and no, not on my meds. I have debated about going back on them, but to be honest, my problem was him. He isn't in my life for the most part creating the reason I needed to be on them to begin with. It ended with us agreeing to play nice, whatever that means.
DS3 just got his vehicle back today, another $190. It should be good to go for awhile. He has band camp this next week, so perfect timing. It cost another $150 in medical bills this past week, not to mention the few extras of Vernors, Popsicles, take out here and there. I am still planning on our little vacation, which has turned into 5 days now. DS3 knows it is going to be lots of hot dogs and PBJ's!
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