Sunday, March 17, 2019
So many things have changed. I'm sorry I did not keep up with writing everything down like I said I would. I need to write a timeline of events so that I do not forget them:
November 2013 - Ex quit working - he moved to the couch and never came back to our bedroom
December 2013 - FIL came to live with us
January 2014 - Ex filed for SSD
August 2014 - FIL's house sold
October 2015 - First SSD settlement received
November 2015 - Ex had oral surgery. OD'd in front of 15 yo son
October 2016 - Started work at new job
February 2017 - Told Ex wanted divorce - he took over FIL's finances completely
March 2017 - Reconciled
August 2017 - moved out while he was passed out, leased apartment
January 2018 - moved out for good
I will add things as I remember them to the timeline. There are things like the ex's affairs (the ones I know about), him taking family money for vacation for him and the boys only knowing I couldn't go or leaving me to take care of his father. There are things like him telling me what bills to pay for his dad after I organized all of them, and then him getting mad because his dad was supposed to pay $1000 a month to us for rent, but his dad was only giving us $200-300 a month. He had me write out a list of bills that were paid and knew that they truly were not paid, so that it looked like we were not getting the money. This was all kept in a red folder and he knew where it was kept. He said that over time, his dad would stop ask for an accounting of it all, which is exactly what happened. He asked at one time because we were underwater with his dad not paying what he said he would, taking his dad back and forth to the hospital for his iron treatments, physical therapy treatments, and working on his house to get it sold, out of our pocket, not his dad's, that he asked about us taking a credit card out in his dad's name since we couldn't get one. So it was done, we were able to pay the electric bill that was about to be shut off, among other things. This credit card was paid in full by the time of our first reconciliation. I paid it off with our tax refund. I knew if it wasn't paid off, he would turn it over to the cops and blame me. Part of the problem was that when he first stopped working, the agreement was either we could severely alter our budget and still keep treading water and live, or what he wanted to do, accept help from his mother and not alter our budget. I told him we needed $700-1000 a month to keep alive. His mom helped twice, once for $500 and another time for $300. If there was more given, then the ex kept it and never said anything. I did confront him about that and he didn't have an answer, so when he doesn't have an answer, it means that I am correct in my thoughts. He thinks that if he doesn't admit something, then it didn't happen.
He would like everyone to believe that he didn't have access to anything and that I did all of it. I may have physically taken care of it, but it was at his behest. Even after he took over physically doing the bills for his dad, which by then did not consist of much besides paying his medical prescriptions, lancets, food and paying rent to us, he did it for a few months until at least January 2018. At that point when I left, I do believe he stopped doing it the way that we had been doing it, like going to the bank and withdrawing $500 and depositing it into our acct to pay the mortgage. Because we could only get $500 out at a time, some days we would get $500 one day and $500 another day, deposit it or pay the house payment directly. Sometimes it was done online. I know that he did start letting money accumulate in his dad's acct. He had gotten his disability approved and could pay the house payment himself at that point. He was getting his own SSD and the boys, but yet not paying anything for the boys. To this day, 3/17/19, our 17 yo son lives with me 100% of the time and I get nothing, our son gets nothing. He might get $20 in gas now and then, but that is all. The ex gets $980 a month for him.
The ex has accused me of many things, from lying, cheating and stealing from our family and FIL. This is because he cannot accept or admit what he has done himself. True classic narcissistic behavior. He has threatened to prosecute me if I am ever to contact my mother, eldest son and daughter. He has also made statements that I killed his father by not getting him to the doctor. I'm sorry, my ex stayed on the couch for 4 years. When does he have to take responsibility for some of these problems? When is he going to admit he would go to the store on a daily basis to get cigarettes, pop and food spending minimum of $10 daily, on top of the beer and whiskey that he was drinking every week? Why couldn't he take his father to the doctor? I did my best to take care of everyone in that house on top of working 70 hours a week.
Why did all of this come about? Our 19 yo was admitted this last week. His GF and I talked as she has a very dysfunctional family. She told me how my son told her when she is to get pregnant, he wanted her to hide her pregnancy from her family and not ever tell them, that he didn't want them involved in his child's life. She said that she told him that she would not do that. So I talked to her about boundaries. How she cannot let her mother dictate things to her and not allow her to destroy her relationship with my son. I told her how horrible it was with my mother, and how it breaks my heart that I have 2 children that I do not talk to. Every Christmas, Easter, birthday, Thanksgiving, etc. I think of them. Just because I don't like who they are does not mean that I do not love them. Now my mother, I hate her. She destroyed everything I had in my life. Am I to blame as well? Of course, I allowed it to happen, I was not strong enough. Do I blame my ex? Yes, I do. I wish that when I was weak and vulnerable that he would've protected me. I told the GF about all of this. I also told her how I had received a msg from my father because my grandparents are ill and dying. I have not called him back yet, but that I was thinking about it. I explained to her how family is important, but not important enough that it should destroy the happiness that you have. I asked her to not tell my son at that time, he was inpatient at the hospital and didn't need to have this added to his stress. Believe it or not, the ex agreed with me on that. But she felt the need to tell him tonight, which would have been fine. It is the content of what she told him, some of it not true. She told him I have been in contact with my mother! This is simply not true. I hate her. She told him I was thinking of contacting my daughter, which was not discussed at all. I discussed how badly my heart hurt not having contact with 2 of my kids, that I sneak what pictures I can on the internet to see my grandkids. Somehow she took part of what I said and ran with it. I don't know if she was being malicious, if she misheard (she is partly deaf), I have no idea. But my son came here and basically told me that he doesn't believe me, that his GF has never lied to him (that he knows about, other son told me she has lied to him about smoking pot and she also lied to him about her friend Angel before), and that he will cut me out if I am ever to have contact with those 3. He said he needed to think things over. He also said he never said to GF that she had to hide her pregnancy, so that would be another lie unless I just made that up too. I don't think I will hear from him again.
I honestly don't know why I'm even here anymore. If I wasn't here, the pain would be gone and maybe those left behind wouldn't care anyway.
November 2013 - Ex quit working - he moved to the couch and never came back to our bedroom
December 2013 - FIL came to live with us
January 2014 - Ex filed for SSD
August 2014 - FIL's house sold
October 2015 - First SSD settlement received
November 2015 - Ex had oral surgery. OD'd in front of 15 yo son
October 2016 - Started work at new job
February 2017 - Told Ex wanted divorce - he took over FIL's finances completely
March 2017 - Reconciled
August 2017 - moved out while he was passed out, leased apartment
January 2018 - moved out for good
I will add things as I remember them to the timeline. There are things like the ex's affairs (the ones I know about), him taking family money for vacation for him and the boys only knowing I couldn't go or leaving me to take care of his father. There are things like him telling me what bills to pay for his dad after I organized all of them, and then him getting mad because his dad was supposed to pay $1000 a month to us for rent, but his dad was only giving us $200-300 a month. He had me write out a list of bills that were paid and knew that they truly were not paid, so that it looked like we were not getting the money. This was all kept in a red folder and he knew where it was kept. He said that over time, his dad would stop ask for an accounting of it all, which is exactly what happened. He asked at one time because we were underwater with his dad not paying what he said he would, taking his dad back and forth to the hospital for his iron treatments, physical therapy treatments, and working on his house to get it sold, out of our pocket, not his dad's, that he asked about us taking a credit card out in his dad's name since we couldn't get one. So it was done, we were able to pay the electric bill that was about to be shut off, among other things. This credit card was paid in full by the time of our first reconciliation. I paid it off with our tax refund. I knew if it wasn't paid off, he would turn it over to the cops and blame me. Part of the problem was that when he first stopped working, the agreement was either we could severely alter our budget and still keep treading water and live, or what he wanted to do, accept help from his mother and not alter our budget. I told him we needed $700-1000 a month to keep alive. His mom helped twice, once for $500 and another time for $300. If there was more given, then the ex kept it and never said anything. I did confront him about that and he didn't have an answer, so when he doesn't have an answer, it means that I am correct in my thoughts. He thinks that if he doesn't admit something, then it didn't happen.
He would like everyone to believe that he didn't have access to anything and that I did all of it. I may have physically taken care of it, but it was at his behest. Even after he took over physically doing the bills for his dad, which by then did not consist of much besides paying his medical prescriptions, lancets, food and paying rent to us, he did it for a few months until at least January 2018. At that point when I left, I do believe he stopped doing it the way that we had been doing it, like going to the bank and withdrawing $500 and depositing it into our acct to pay the mortgage. Because we could only get $500 out at a time, some days we would get $500 one day and $500 another day, deposit it or pay the house payment directly. Sometimes it was done online. I know that he did start letting money accumulate in his dad's acct. He had gotten his disability approved and could pay the house payment himself at that point. He was getting his own SSD and the boys, but yet not paying anything for the boys. To this day, 3/17/19, our 17 yo son lives with me 100% of the time and I get nothing, our son gets nothing. He might get $20 in gas now and then, but that is all. The ex gets $980 a month for him.
The ex has accused me of many things, from lying, cheating and stealing from our family and FIL. This is because he cannot accept or admit what he has done himself. True classic narcissistic behavior. He has threatened to prosecute me if I am ever to contact my mother, eldest son and daughter. He has also made statements that I killed his father by not getting him to the doctor. I'm sorry, my ex stayed on the couch for 4 years. When does he have to take responsibility for some of these problems? When is he going to admit he would go to the store on a daily basis to get cigarettes, pop and food spending minimum of $10 daily, on top of the beer and whiskey that he was drinking every week? Why couldn't he take his father to the doctor? I did my best to take care of everyone in that house on top of working 70 hours a week.
Why did all of this come about? Our 19 yo was admitted this last week. His GF and I talked as she has a very dysfunctional family. She told me how my son told her when she is to get pregnant, he wanted her to hide her pregnancy from her family and not ever tell them, that he didn't want them involved in his child's life. She said that she told him that she would not do that. So I talked to her about boundaries. How she cannot let her mother dictate things to her and not allow her to destroy her relationship with my son. I told her how horrible it was with my mother, and how it breaks my heart that I have 2 children that I do not talk to. Every Christmas, Easter, birthday, Thanksgiving, etc. I think of them. Just because I don't like who they are does not mean that I do not love them. Now my mother, I hate her. She destroyed everything I had in my life. Am I to blame as well? Of course, I allowed it to happen, I was not strong enough. Do I blame my ex? Yes, I do. I wish that when I was weak and vulnerable that he would've protected me. I told the GF about all of this. I also told her how I had received a msg from my father because my grandparents are ill and dying. I have not called him back yet, but that I was thinking about it. I explained to her how family is important, but not important enough that it should destroy the happiness that you have. I asked her to not tell my son at that time, he was inpatient at the hospital and didn't need to have this added to his stress. Believe it or not, the ex agreed with me on that. But she felt the need to tell him tonight, which would have been fine. It is the content of what she told him, some of it not true. She told him I have been in contact with my mother! This is simply not true. I hate her. She told him I was thinking of contacting my daughter, which was not discussed at all. I discussed how badly my heart hurt not having contact with 2 of my kids, that I sneak what pictures I can on the internet to see my grandkids. Somehow she took part of what I said and ran with it. I don't know if she was being malicious, if she misheard (she is partly deaf), I have no idea. But my son came here and basically told me that he doesn't believe me, that his GF has never lied to him (that he knows about, other son told me she has lied to him about smoking pot and she also lied to him about her friend Angel before), and that he will cut me out if I am ever to have contact with those 3. He said he needed to think things over. He also said he never said to GF that she had to hide her pregnancy, so that would be another lie unless I just made that up too. I don't think I will hear from him again.
I honestly don't know why I'm even here anymore. If I wasn't here, the pain would be gone and maybe those left behind wouldn't care anyway.
Friday, October 5, 2018
Sorry for not posting, sorry to myself is more like it. So many things have taken place over the past few weeks.
DS2 made it over to dinner this past Sunday, which was great to be able to see him. I took his GF on Tuesday for birth control appt. DS2 is still having stomach issues, so much so that the EX apparently made him an appt to see a GI doctor. It is very hard for me, I've always been the one to research, find the doctor and go and make the decisions on meds, etc. I have already taken him to the doctor once, but he hasn't even tried the med prescribed. We've discussed it, but he is an adult now and needs to take some responsibility. He did say his dad has been on his case about how much pot he is smoking. About damn time.
DS3 has homecoming this weekend. I do have to work, but took PTO for the game Friday and the dance Saturday, just enough to see him off. He has been seeing his dad, not every night I work like he is supposed to though. I worked Monday and Tuesday and he was planning on not staying for Tuesday, even though I pushed for it. He ended up going there on Wednesday because there was the powderpuff game and figured he wouldn't get out of there until at least 9, and dad around the corner, he may as well just stay there instead of coming home. Dad wasn't impressed and said he needed to be with me, that it was weird. Then he stopped by on Thursday because he forgot his wallet and his dad made another comment that he shouldn't be there. So much for a welcome of your own son. I think DS3 will be going there only rarely now after that. I'm not going to push him either. It would be financially better for me to have him stay there a couple of days a week, cuts down on gas money, but I'm not forcing the issue with him. DS3 said there is hardly any food in the house and that it is a total mess. When I took the GF to her appt, she said that she is washing the dishes and laundry, no one else helps. She said one time the dishes were so bad that when she got to the bottom of the stack, there were maggots! Ewww..... Not a healthy situation.
The other big thing, I ran into DS1 in public. Someone was calling "Mom" and it was him. I started bawling. He asked me if I wanted to meet my granddaughter and I got to see the most precious thing in the world. I went and saw his house, met his dogs and we went to breakfast the next day and chatted some more. He wants to forget the past and move on. He made a valid point on one issue that caused us not talking and now I'm wondering if I allowed the EX to influence my views/thoughts on what happened. I did not witness the situation, only the EX. So now I'm thinking I have lost out on all of these years because of not thinking clearly and realizing what the EX has done, again. I'm moving on at this point.
DS3 knows about the contact with DS1 and he wants to see him and see if he can try to trust him again. We have to keep everything secret. The EX has threatened that if I was ever to contact DS1, DD or my mother, that he would get money from his rich cousins and drag me through years of mud, of which I cannot afford to do. What kind of mud you ask? He said that he would find me an emotionally unfit mother, that I stole money from the family (who was working? wasn't him, I supported the family!), that I neglected his father (he wasn't working, not my responsibility!). He did nothing those last 4-5 years but lay on the couch. It was the family joke that his butt was imprinted on the cushion. He did not visit our bedroom once during that time, leaving me emotionally and physically. He moved his father in and did not lift a finger to help take care of him. His father was a diabetic and severe alcoholic, and he would not follow a diet. I should not be having to tell a grown man how to eat. I did research and printed of examples of what he should be eating for all 3 meals. But he would literally eat sugar out of the bag. We had to hide food. He would sneak around the house all night long and EX would lie on the couch and pretend he was sleeping.
When the FIL came to live with us, the agreement was he was to pay $1000 a month. I was the only one working, the EX had filed for disability and we were waiting for the denial, appeal, etc. The $1000 a month is what allowed us to survive, but not in the fashion the EX wanted. In the beginning, FIL demanded to see balances and receipts of everything. When I had taken things over for his billing, he had not paid bills in 3 months. I believe he was trying to die. The only bills that were paid were his house payment and 1 credit card, which were automatically deducted. FIL the first few months refused to pay the $1000, one month giving $200, even after he was hospitalized twice, EX was taking him for iron infusions x2 a week, PT x3 a week and the money did not even cover gas (visits were 45 mins away). This went on for months. EX was also attempting to clean and fix up his dad's house so that it could be sold. That took 8+ months and was over an hour away. Profit made on the house was a whopping $700. EX said he was keeping that money as payment for the work he did, I have no idea where that went to. I was working around the clock trying to keep up since we were not getting FIL money. Finally the EX said just start transferring money every month and he would put his father off. All of the transactions were verbally told to EX prior to doing them, even though I physically did them online. When winter hit, FIL kept his electric heater on 24/7 along with an electric blanket and a fridge. Our electric bill went up to over $600 for a month! The EX finally said "can we take a credit card out in his name to pay some of the bills until we can catch up?" and I did what he asked. The credit card was paid off prior to us separating.
When we met trying to sort things out, he accused me of illegally taking the credit card out in FIL name and then paying it off with FIL money! I was trying to think back if he was drunk when he told me to do it, but I honestly don't remember. He is also an alcoholic like his father. It got paid off because we got our tax refund...not FIL money. While FIL was with us, DS3 needed braces badly, his teeth were horrible, getting cavities because of how smushed his teeth were. EX told me to go ahead and get him the braces, that basically his father's money was the families money and his son was important. That was $231 a month. He knew how much I was working and that I wasn't making that much money. Hence why I switched careers at my age. So EX is trying to blame me for taking advantage of the elderly when he was the one who directed everything that I did. I wasn't allowed to make decisions, that is very clear, but he thinks he can portray it that I took advantage of his dad and himself, you know because he was so sick and couldn't take care of anything. But he was able to drink a 24-pack of beer a week minimum along with whiskey, smoke a pack a day and go to the store on a daily basis spending $10 just for his cigarettes, pop and snack. That is $70 a week....it adds up. He doesn't have a clue.
I have a chicken in the oven and potatoes cooking, so I have meals the next few days for DS3 and I. Financially, I am struggling. I have been applying for MT jobs at home so I can be here for DS3 and the dogs. Hopefully something pans out.
DS2 made it over to dinner this past Sunday, which was great to be able to see him. I took his GF on Tuesday for birth control appt. DS2 is still having stomach issues, so much so that the EX apparently made him an appt to see a GI doctor. It is very hard for me, I've always been the one to research, find the doctor and go and make the decisions on meds, etc. I have already taken him to the doctor once, but he hasn't even tried the med prescribed. We've discussed it, but he is an adult now and needs to take some responsibility. He did say his dad has been on his case about how much pot he is smoking. About damn time.
DS3 has homecoming this weekend. I do have to work, but took PTO for the game Friday and the dance Saturday, just enough to see him off. He has been seeing his dad, not every night I work like he is supposed to though. I worked Monday and Tuesday and he was planning on not staying for Tuesday, even though I pushed for it. He ended up going there on Wednesday because there was the powderpuff game and figured he wouldn't get out of there until at least 9, and dad around the corner, he may as well just stay there instead of coming home. Dad wasn't impressed and said he needed to be with me, that it was weird. Then he stopped by on Thursday because he forgot his wallet and his dad made another comment that he shouldn't be there. So much for a welcome of your own son. I think DS3 will be going there only rarely now after that. I'm not going to push him either. It would be financially better for me to have him stay there a couple of days a week, cuts down on gas money, but I'm not forcing the issue with him. DS3 said there is hardly any food in the house and that it is a total mess. When I took the GF to her appt, she said that she is washing the dishes and laundry, no one else helps. She said one time the dishes were so bad that when she got to the bottom of the stack, there were maggots! Ewww..... Not a healthy situation.
The other big thing, I ran into DS1 in public. Someone was calling "Mom" and it was him. I started bawling. He asked me if I wanted to meet my granddaughter and I got to see the most precious thing in the world. I went and saw his house, met his dogs and we went to breakfast the next day and chatted some more. He wants to forget the past and move on. He made a valid point on one issue that caused us not talking and now I'm wondering if I allowed the EX to influence my views/thoughts on what happened. I did not witness the situation, only the EX. So now I'm thinking I have lost out on all of these years because of not thinking clearly and realizing what the EX has done, again. I'm moving on at this point.
DS3 knows about the contact with DS1 and he wants to see him and see if he can try to trust him again. We have to keep everything secret. The EX has threatened that if I was ever to contact DS1, DD or my mother, that he would get money from his rich cousins and drag me through years of mud, of which I cannot afford to do. What kind of mud you ask? He said that he would find me an emotionally unfit mother, that I stole money from the family (who was working? wasn't him, I supported the family!), that I neglected his father (he wasn't working, not my responsibility!). He did nothing those last 4-5 years but lay on the couch. It was the family joke that his butt was imprinted on the cushion. He did not visit our bedroom once during that time, leaving me emotionally and physically. He moved his father in and did not lift a finger to help take care of him. His father was a diabetic and severe alcoholic, and he would not follow a diet. I should not be having to tell a grown man how to eat. I did research and printed of examples of what he should be eating for all 3 meals. But he would literally eat sugar out of the bag. We had to hide food. He would sneak around the house all night long and EX would lie on the couch and pretend he was sleeping.
When the FIL came to live with us, the agreement was he was to pay $1000 a month. I was the only one working, the EX had filed for disability and we were waiting for the denial, appeal, etc. The $1000 a month is what allowed us to survive, but not in the fashion the EX wanted. In the beginning, FIL demanded to see balances and receipts of everything. When I had taken things over for his billing, he had not paid bills in 3 months. I believe he was trying to die. The only bills that were paid were his house payment and 1 credit card, which were automatically deducted. FIL the first few months refused to pay the $1000, one month giving $200, even after he was hospitalized twice, EX was taking him for iron infusions x2 a week, PT x3 a week and the money did not even cover gas (visits were 45 mins away). This went on for months. EX was also attempting to clean and fix up his dad's house so that it could be sold. That took 8+ months and was over an hour away. Profit made on the house was a whopping $700. EX said he was keeping that money as payment for the work he did, I have no idea where that went to. I was working around the clock trying to keep up since we were not getting FIL money. Finally the EX said just start transferring money every month and he would put his father off. All of the transactions were verbally told to EX prior to doing them, even though I physically did them online. When winter hit, FIL kept his electric heater on 24/7 along with an electric blanket and a fridge. Our electric bill went up to over $600 for a month! The EX finally said "can we take a credit card out in his name to pay some of the bills until we can catch up?" and I did what he asked. The credit card was paid off prior to us separating.
When we met trying to sort things out, he accused me of illegally taking the credit card out in FIL name and then paying it off with FIL money! I was trying to think back if he was drunk when he told me to do it, but I honestly don't remember. He is also an alcoholic like his father. It got paid off because we got our tax refund...not FIL money. While FIL was with us, DS3 needed braces badly, his teeth were horrible, getting cavities because of how smushed his teeth were. EX told me to go ahead and get him the braces, that basically his father's money was the families money and his son was important. That was $231 a month. He knew how much I was working and that I wasn't making that much money. Hence why I switched careers at my age. So EX is trying to blame me for taking advantage of the elderly when he was the one who directed everything that I did. I wasn't allowed to make decisions, that is very clear, but he thinks he can portray it that I took advantage of his dad and himself, you know because he was so sick and couldn't take care of anything. But he was able to drink a 24-pack of beer a week minimum along with whiskey, smoke a pack a day and go to the store on a daily basis spending $10 just for his cigarettes, pop and snack. That is $70 a week....it adds up. He doesn't have a clue.
I have a chicken in the oven and potatoes cooking, so I have meals the next few days for DS3 and I. Financially, I am struggling. I have been applying for MT jobs at home so I can be here for DS3 and the dogs. Hopefully something pans out.
Once again, a post I had done a couple of weeks ago:
I had to cancel my chiro appt and reschedule for Monday. I am quite saddened by health care these days. It was nothing but a sales pitch. I walked in, got adjusted, and instead of sitting one-on-one with the dr, there was group of about 8 or 10 of us. He went over what compressions, rotations, bulges, etc were and how physical, emotional and chemical stresses the spine. Then he took us one by one into a room and went over x-rays and sell his package of what we needed. He wanted me to complete 1 year of treatment going 3x a week! My insurance only covers 10 visits per year with his pricing, so I would have to pay something like $180 a month after insurance, so at least 10 months of it. No can do. So then he suggested twice a week, which the rest of this year would be covered (which doesn't make sense), then the first 10 visits of 2019, then $125 a month! No freaking way. My old chiro charged $25 or $30 a visit and this one charges $79. He has quite the racket going.
He tried telling me that if he comes up with a plan and I don't stick to it, the insurance can go back and take back what they have paid him because if I didn't stick with the plan, then I must not have needed it; and then they can go and audit all of his accts with that insurance company and do the same.
I have been doing good with the diet and exercise, down to 262. I did splurge a little today more due to timing than anything (had to get takeout as I haven't grocery shopped). If I got to 250 by the 29th, I will be very happy.
I figured out how to get sleep too. I had to kick Kali out of the bedroom. I feel horrible, but Sassy keeps wanting to play with her and Kali when on my bed, wants nothing to do with her and growls and won't share the toys that Sassy brings to her. It was leaving me with literally no sleep and one cranky momma. I feel guilty putting Sassy in her crate while I'm sleeping as she is in there while DS3 is sleeping and she cannot be left unsupervised like Kali can be. Sassy does wake me to go out and wakes me when Kali has to go too. Kali comes to the door and whines and Sassy then proceeds to wake me, lol.
I had DS3 go see his dad yesterday. The EX's father passed away a week and a half ago. I did send my regrets, but he didn't acknowledge them. That's fine. But the day he starts telling everyone how cold I am and didn't acknowledge it, I have the text msg to prove it along with him reading the msg. As you can tell, this wouldn't be a first for me. But back on track, I thought DS3 should go and see him. DS3 said "dad hasn't called me" and I told him to get over it and to either call or even stop it, that his grandfather died and he should show compassion to his father.
I had to cancel my chiro appt and reschedule for Monday. I am quite saddened by health care these days. It was nothing but a sales pitch. I walked in, got adjusted, and instead of sitting one-on-one with the dr, there was group of about 8 or 10 of us. He went over what compressions, rotations, bulges, etc were and how physical, emotional and chemical stresses the spine. Then he took us one by one into a room and went over x-rays and sell his package of what we needed. He wanted me to complete 1 year of treatment going 3x a week! My insurance only covers 10 visits per year with his pricing, so I would have to pay something like $180 a month after insurance, so at least 10 months of it. No can do. So then he suggested twice a week, which the rest of this year would be covered (which doesn't make sense), then the first 10 visits of 2019, then $125 a month! No freaking way. My old chiro charged $25 or $30 a visit and this one charges $79. He has quite the racket going.
He tried telling me that if he comes up with a plan and I don't stick to it, the insurance can go back and take back what they have paid him because if I didn't stick with the plan, then I must not have needed it; and then they can go and audit all of his accts with that insurance company and do the same.
I have been doing good with the diet and exercise, down to 262. I did splurge a little today more due to timing than anything (had to get takeout as I haven't grocery shopped). If I got to 250 by the 29th, I will be very happy.
I figured out how to get sleep too. I had to kick Kali out of the bedroom. I feel horrible, but Sassy keeps wanting to play with her and Kali when on my bed, wants nothing to do with her and growls and won't share the toys that Sassy brings to her. It was leaving me with literally no sleep and one cranky momma. I feel guilty putting Sassy in her crate while I'm sleeping as she is in there while DS3 is sleeping and she cannot be left unsupervised like Kali can be. Sassy does wake me to go out and wakes me when Kali has to go too. Kali comes to the door and whines and Sassy then proceeds to wake me, lol.
I had DS3 go see his dad yesterday. The EX's father passed away a week and a half ago. I did send my regrets, but he didn't acknowledge them. That's fine. But the day he starts telling everyone how cold I am and didn't acknowledge it, I have the text msg to prove it along with him reading the msg. As you can tell, this wouldn't be a first for me. But back on track, I thought DS3 should go and see him. DS3 said "dad hasn't called me" and I told him to get over it and to either call or even stop it, that his grandfather died and he should show compassion to his father.
Sunday, September 2, 2018
I'm now seeing a chiropractor after my camping adventure. We formally go over my x-rays on Wednesday, but the gist of it is that I have arthritis in my neck and 2 bulging disks in my lower spine. I'm a little sore after seeing him! Hopefully, I will be back to myself before long.
I have been exercising more, just doing lots of walking at this time. I also have gone back to my roots of eating a salad with chicken. I want 20 pounds gone by 9/29, the day of my coworker's wedding. I am at 266 tonight, but I need to weigh myself in the morning to get a more accurate weight.
I have worked out a budget using EveryDollar. I really would like to try the Dave Ramsey FPU but it costs $119 on sale right now. I am going to start with baby steps, putting together a $1000 emergency fund and then start snowballing my debt.
I do have some expenses coming up, like DS3's retainer and half of the deductible for his phone. I also need to get my tooth fixed, I broke a crown right off a few months ago and have yet to get it fixed.
I'm hoping for more OT, but may pick up a second job if it doesn't pick up. We have one person retiring in November and one of my coworker's is talking about going to the police academy in January for a career change. It will take them a while to get 2 people hired in, so hopefully mucho OT! Keeping my fingers crossed.
I have been exercising more, just doing lots of walking at this time. I also have gone back to my roots of eating a salad with chicken. I want 20 pounds gone by 9/29, the day of my coworker's wedding. I am at 266 tonight, but I need to weigh myself in the morning to get a more accurate weight.
I have worked out a budget using EveryDollar. I really would like to try the Dave Ramsey FPU but it costs $119 on sale right now. I am going to start with baby steps, putting together a $1000 emergency fund and then start snowballing my debt.
I do have some expenses coming up, like DS3's retainer and half of the deductible for his phone. I also need to get my tooth fixed, I broke a crown right off a few months ago and have yet to get it fixed.
I'm hoping for more OT, but may pick up a second job if it doesn't pick up. We have one person retiring in November and one of my coworker's is talking about going to the police academy in January for a career change. It will take them a while to get 2 people hired in, so hopefully mucho OT! Keeping my fingers crossed.
Saturday, September 1, 2018
So finally back from vacation! It was quite an adventure. The Mighty B broke down the night before we were supposed to leave. It appeared it was the fuel filter. DS3 attempted to get it off but couldn't here. He had to meet his dad in town and he was able to get his father to come and help, but they needed tools that were back at the house, so DS3 drove it there and the EX, DS2 and DS3 worked on it and got it done. But, it still wasn't acting right. Me, the way that I rationalize things, thought it was because things may have been clogged leading up to the filter and would need to work itself out. DS2 said it was misfiring. DS2 was supposed to do a tune-up a few months ago for me, but that never happened. I asked DS3 to change the spark plugs at least and that hopefully it would work itself out. DS2 said even with the misfire, we should be fine going up north.
We made it up north with both dogs, 2 kayaks and the Mighty B filled to capacity, after not leaving the night before when we originally were supposed to go. The dogs literally had to sit in our laps on the way up! DS3 lost his phone within an hour of being up there, no where to be found. The deductible is $225. I just don't have it right now. I told him he had to pay for half of it and if it happens again, he has to pay for it in full. So he is without a phone for a couple of weeks. He thought he left it in the Mighty B, which his GF and I both saw it in there. He had put it on airplane mode as he thought he hadn't brought his charger, but his GF had grabbed the charger. We had taken the kayaks down this huge hill (guessing 150 feet?) and his kayak did turn upside down and I'm thinking the phone was probably in there and now at the bottom of the river.
This hill? Holy crapola. It was pretty steep and I am surprised I made it down. I helped DS3 with the kayaks going down as well. We managed to go that first day kayaking for about 2-3 hours and DS3 got out fishing for a bit. Getting back up that hill? I am surprised I didn't have a heart attack. A lot of it was sand, which a lot of it was sand making it difficult to get a footing. I slid down numerous times. I finally had to ask DS3 for help about 3/4 of the way up. There was a patch of about 3-4 feet that I just couldn't get past the sand without losing my grip and falling further. He got me past that and then had me go off to the side where I could get better footing. I was there maybe 15 seconds and realized I was in a wasp nest! I yelled at him to run, while I was trying to haul ass getting away after being stung. I literally got sick after I got up the hill. It was pretty embarrassing.
DS2 made it up with GF! I was so happy! With all that transpired, it absolutely made my day that he made it up. DS2 and DS3 got along too, and both GF's also got along. He actually made reservations to come back this next weekend, hoping to bring his dad up, so that he could spend more time and fish.
DS2 did look at my vehicle while there and all it was, was a spark plug was not in all the way. Mighty B is back up and running! Whew.... that kid is such a genius!!
We got lots of sun, had lots of food, and just enjoyed each other.
I'm posting this now as it has taken me days to do so!
We made it up north with both dogs, 2 kayaks and the Mighty B filled to capacity, after not leaving the night before when we originally were supposed to go. The dogs literally had to sit in our laps on the way up! DS3 lost his phone within an hour of being up there, no where to be found. The deductible is $225. I just don't have it right now. I told him he had to pay for half of it and if it happens again, he has to pay for it in full. So he is without a phone for a couple of weeks. He thought he left it in the Mighty B, which his GF and I both saw it in there. He had put it on airplane mode as he thought he hadn't brought his charger, but his GF had grabbed the charger. We had taken the kayaks down this huge hill (guessing 150 feet?) and his kayak did turn upside down and I'm thinking the phone was probably in there and now at the bottom of the river.
This hill? Holy crapola. It was pretty steep and I am surprised I made it down. I helped DS3 with the kayaks going down as well. We managed to go that first day kayaking for about 2-3 hours and DS3 got out fishing for a bit. Getting back up that hill? I am surprised I didn't have a heart attack. A lot of it was sand, which a lot of it was sand making it difficult to get a footing. I slid down numerous times. I finally had to ask DS3 for help about 3/4 of the way up. There was a patch of about 3-4 feet that I just couldn't get past the sand without losing my grip and falling further. He got me past that and then had me go off to the side where I could get better footing. I was there maybe 15 seconds and realized I was in a wasp nest! I yelled at him to run, while I was trying to haul ass getting away after being stung. I literally got sick after I got up the hill. It was pretty embarrassing.
DS2 made it up with GF! I was so happy! With all that transpired, it absolutely made my day that he made it up. DS2 and DS3 got along too, and both GF's also got along. He actually made reservations to come back this next weekend, hoping to bring his dad up, so that he could spend more time and fish.
DS2 did look at my vehicle while there and all it was, was a spark plug was not in all the way. Mighty B is back up and running! Whew.... that kid is such a genius!!
We got lots of sun, had lots of food, and just enjoyed each other.
I'm posting this now as it has taken me days to do so!
Monday, August 20, 2018
So I can't sleep. I'm trying to adjust my sleep schedule so that I'm not sleeping during the day when we are up north. Wish it was easier!
I'm going to broach a topic now that I need to deal with. My marriage sucked balls. Of course it didn't in the beginning and I loved that man deeply. As a matter of fact, I still love him. I don't think I'll ever be free of him in that sense. We could have been so good together. We truly could have had it all.
In the beginning, I never realized how much he drank. Call me naive, call me whatever you want, but I never understood. It took me over a year to realize that he was going to the bar almost every day after work and having a few beers with the guys before coming home and drinking a few more. Almost exactly a year into our relationship, he went to a strip club with the guys and gave me a detailed account of it. I was extremely jealous. I felt like something was wrong with me, that I wasn't good enough. He was so drunk that night. He couldn't understand why I was upset and he finally promised to never go again. Que in the lies after that for when he did go. I knew when he went as he smelled like the strippers, the cheap perfume and lotion. He thought I didn't know. It would send me into depression and just breeded more hate.
We went on to have 2 kids and had 2 teens at home as well. I know I wasn't perfect and I did a lot wrong too, but I was overwhelmed with 4 kids at home. I went back to working full-time when my youngest was 6 months. Granted I worked from home, but I worked every chance I could as his industry took a tumble. I felt no self worth. I did everything for everyone else. My needs were always last.
My EX is a flirt, flirts with all women. Except for me. For years I dealt with the neighbor woman coming over flirting with him. She was single with 2 kids. He treated her son better than his stepson. Her son turned around and shit on him years later, but the damage was done. But she would openly flirt with him, ask him to do things when I couldn't get him to do a damn thing to help me. She would see him out in the pole barn and go out there and bring him beer to help her. This went on for years. I hated her. I hated him. She had lost a bunch of weight due to surgery and I felt so fat and ugly. She finally met someone and got married, had 2 more kids. She didn't talk to the EX for quite a bit. I think her husband put an end to that. But then, she started bringing the babies around. She would take videos of her youngest son talking about "Named EX" and think it was funny. I don't think her husband found it funny. I kept telling the EX this was not normal behavior. Her kids would stand across the road and yell his name. She finally came knocking at my door one day. She apologized for her past behavior. Said she should have come to me and talked to me before ever approaching my husband. You think? But I fell for this, she was nothing but a demon in disguise. I think she finally realized he wouldn't ever commit to his flirting with her and make something of it, so why not friend the wife. She married a man that was quite ill, actually had 2 kidney transplants by that time. She and I actually became friends, but I didn't realize it was a game. I ended up confiding in her how unhappy I was, this was after a year of her friendship. Big mistake. She would confide in me about the issues she had with her husband. For his 40th birthday party, I held a surprise at a bar. We had quite a few friends there to celebrate, one being this neighbor.
I ran into her a few weeks later at the pharmacy with DS3. DS3 went off to look at toys and she proceeded to tell me how I needed to leave my husband because he had dry humped her backside in the bar and that he wasn't drunk at that time. I knew she was lying. The way that she talked, her mannerisms, everything. My radar was going off big time. Do I think now that it could have happened? Yes it could have. But to this day I believe she was lying. I'm more pissed that he involved us with a sociopath that could do something like this. At that point, I forbade my boys from ever going over there or talking with her kids, etc. I felt like she was trying to set him up. I think all out of the name of jealousy, that she wouldn't have her way. I do believe she wanted my husband. He was a good man, good father to his own, and to others that were not his stepchildren.
Let's go back to my cousin's wedding, New Years Eve approx 12 years ago. My mom watched the kids for us and DS2 was pretty sick. We were at a hotel about an hour and a half away. EX and I got into it, for starters, he wouldn't dance with me but then turned around and danced with my sister. He had never once in our marriage danced with me, no matter the pleading I did. But yet he danced with her. Then my mom called, said DS2 was getting sicker and probably needed to go to the ER. EX, of all people, said she was playing a game and trying to get us away from my dad. This man who protected his boys tooth and nail, did not give a shit. I wanted to leave and take care of my son but he wanted to stay. I had enough at that point, everyone was drunk and giving me a hard time. I went up to my room. He finally came in hours later and slept in the other bed. I decided at that point to pack my bags and slid a note under my dad's door to make sure someone gave EX a ride home. I went to my mom's and took my son into the ER. He had severe bronchitis.
Six months later, I find out from my stepmom that New Years night after I had gone upstairs, my sister and her had found my EX in the bar flirting with another woman. My sister walked up to him and brought up to the other woman that he was married and apparently she didn't know that and left in a huff because she was pissed at him. He did admit that he knew he was flirting but that it didn't mean anything. BULLSHIT. The other woman leaving abruptly tells me all I need to know, he was full on flirting away trying to get a piece of ass.
These are just 2 examples of what drove me crazy for years. He will never comprehend any of this. I did try to explain to him numerous times when we were trying to reconcile, not to blame him for the downfall of our marriage, but to try and explain why it drove an even further wedge between us. There are several, probably another 3 or 4 just like the above that I know about. What about the ones that I don't know about?
All I ever wanted was his attention, to love me for who I was. Who was I? I was a broken down little girl that only ever was looking for love. I didn't grow up with a lot of love and neither did he. I really thought the two of us would have some understanding of that. I needed help, I never felt adequate for him, never felt like he truly loved me until we tried reconciling. That is another story in itself. I think I've written enough for tonight. Maybe I can cry myself to sleep now.
I'm going to broach a topic now that I need to deal with. My marriage sucked balls. Of course it didn't in the beginning and I loved that man deeply. As a matter of fact, I still love him. I don't think I'll ever be free of him in that sense. We could have been so good together. We truly could have had it all.
In the beginning, I never realized how much he drank. Call me naive, call me whatever you want, but I never understood. It took me over a year to realize that he was going to the bar almost every day after work and having a few beers with the guys before coming home and drinking a few more. Almost exactly a year into our relationship, he went to a strip club with the guys and gave me a detailed account of it. I was extremely jealous. I felt like something was wrong with me, that I wasn't good enough. He was so drunk that night. He couldn't understand why I was upset and he finally promised to never go again. Que in the lies after that for when he did go. I knew when he went as he smelled like the strippers, the cheap perfume and lotion. He thought I didn't know. It would send me into depression and just breeded more hate.
We went on to have 2 kids and had 2 teens at home as well. I know I wasn't perfect and I did a lot wrong too, but I was overwhelmed with 4 kids at home. I went back to working full-time when my youngest was 6 months. Granted I worked from home, but I worked every chance I could as his industry took a tumble. I felt no self worth. I did everything for everyone else. My needs were always last.
My EX is a flirt, flirts with all women. Except for me. For years I dealt with the neighbor woman coming over flirting with him. She was single with 2 kids. He treated her son better than his stepson. Her son turned around and shit on him years later, but the damage was done. But she would openly flirt with him, ask him to do things when I couldn't get him to do a damn thing to help me. She would see him out in the pole barn and go out there and bring him beer to help her. This went on for years. I hated her. I hated him. She had lost a bunch of weight due to surgery and I felt so fat and ugly. She finally met someone and got married, had 2 more kids. She didn't talk to the EX for quite a bit. I think her husband put an end to that. But then, she started bringing the babies around. She would take videos of her youngest son talking about "Named EX" and think it was funny. I don't think her husband found it funny. I kept telling the EX this was not normal behavior. Her kids would stand across the road and yell his name. She finally came knocking at my door one day. She apologized for her past behavior. Said she should have come to me and talked to me before ever approaching my husband. You think? But I fell for this, she was nothing but a demon in disguise. I think she finally realized he wouldn't ever commit to his flirting with her and make something of it, so why not friend the wife. She married a man that was quite ill, actually had 2 kidney transplants by that time. She and I actually became friends, but I didn't realize it was a game. I ended up confiding in her how unhappy I was, this was after a year of her friendship. Big mistake. She would confide in me about the issues she had with her husband. For his 40th birthday party, I held a surprise at a bar. We had quite a few friends there to celebrate, one being this neighbor.
I ran into her a few weeks later at the pharmacy with DS3. DS3 went off to look at toys and she proceeded to tell me how I needed to leave my husband because he had dry humped her backside in the bar and that he wasn't drunk at that time. I knew she was lying. The way that she talked, her mannerisms, everything. My radar was going off big time. Do I think now that it could have happened? Yes it could have. But to this day I believe she was lying. I'm more pissed that he involved us with a sociopath that could do something like this. At that point, I forbade my boys from ever going over there or talking with her kids, etc. I felt like she was trying to set him up. I think all out of the name of jealousy, that she wouldn't have her way. I do believe she wanted my husband. He was a good man, good father to his own, and to others that were not his stepchildren.
Let's go back to my cousin's wedding, New Years Eve approx 12 years ago. My mom watched the kids for us and DS2 was pretty sick. We were at a hotel about an hour and a half away. EX and I got into it, for starters, he wouldn't dance with me but then turned around and danced with my sister. He had never once in our marriage danced with me, no matter the pleading I did. But yet he danced with her. Then my mom called, said DS2 was getting sicker and probably needed to go to the ER. EX, of all people, said she was playing a game and trying to get us away from my dad. This man who protected his boys tooth and nail, did not give a shit. I wanted to leave and take care of my son but he wanted to stay. I had enough at that point, everyone was drunk and giving me a hard time. I went up to my room. He finally came in hours later and slept in the other bed. I decided at that point to pack my bags and slid a note under my dad's door to make sure someone gave EX a ride home. I went to my mom's and took my son into the ER. He had severe bronchitis.
Six months later, I find out from my stepmom that New Years night after I had gone upstairs, my sister and her had found my EX in the bar flirting with another woman. My sister walked up to him and brought up to the other woman that he was married and apparently she didn't know that and left in a huff because she was pissed at him. He did admit that he knew he was flirting but that it didn't mean anything. BULLSHIT. The other woman leaving abruptly tells me all I need to know, he was full on flirting away trying to get a piece of ass.
These are just 2 examples of what drove me crazy for years. He will never comprehend any of this. I did try to explain to him numerous times when we were trying to reconcile, not to blame him for the downfall of our marriage, but to try and explain why it drove an even further wedge between us. There are several, probably another 3 or 4 just like the above that I know about. What about the ones that I don't know about?
All I ever wanted was his attention, to love me for who I was. Who was I? I was a broken down little girl that only ever was looking for love. I didn't grow up with a lot of love and neither did he. I really thought the two of us would have some understanding of that. I needed help, I never felt adequate for him, never felt like he truly loved me until we tried reconciling. That is another story in itself. I think I've written enough for tonight. Maybe I can cry myself to sleep now.
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